A Sommelier tastes every* hard seltzer ever made
(*I got close…I swear.)
“I’m almost ready for work…I just need a quick drink and we’ll head out.”
When I first moved to town I was staying with a sommelier friend of mine, who I discovered kept a twelver of White Claw Hard Seltzer in her refrigerator (which I found horrifying at the time).
How could this be? What tragedies had befallen this lost soul to have brought her to this sad and desperate state of affairs? Was it time to euthanize? Isn’t that what a friend would do?!?!?!?!?
What I failed to appreciate at the time is that hard seltzers are the perfect beverage choice for the drinker who: a) fancies a day drink now and again, and b) is of an age where ignoring superfluous carbohydrates is no longer an option (unlike for you young, skinny bastards).
They are NOT, in fact, exclusively for pussies who want to get drunk but don’t like the taste of alcohol (as some thick bastard wearing my skin around was known to posit from time to time).
5% alcohol by volume (like beer)? Check. Low or zero carbs (unlike beer)? Check. Horrible, often shockingly bad flavor? Sadly, also check.
And so it was that I took on the daunting task of finding a drinkable…dare I say, ENJOYABLE hard seltzer to believe in, and to incorporate into my dubious lifestyle.
After 9 months of hard research (see what I did there? SO clever), and many dozens of brands and varieties consumed solely for YOUR benefit (because I’m cool like that), here are my top five candidates for a quick snort…
“OH, you weren’t kidding? We’re really doing this? Okay then.”
RESULTS!!!
Author’s note: Before we begin, let us consider it as read that artificial fruit flavors are some of the nastiest in the entire universe of food and beverage. That having been said, nearly ALL hard seltzers have some of that stuff in them (these things have to taste like SOMETHING, after all), so I’m going to forgo all judgments on this nasty family of flavors for the sake getting through this. With one exception…
ARTIFICIAL MANGO FLAVOR.
Artificial Mango Flavor is the worst flavor in the fucking world. Artificial Mango Flavor doesn’t taste anything like mango. Artificial Mango Flavor tastes like cantaloupe dipped in Vicks VapoRub. Artificial Mango Flavor tastes like a passion fruit/ammonia smoothy. Artificial Mango Flavor tastes like fruit cocktail syrup drank at your grandma’s funeral.
Thus, any hard seltzer pack with an Artificial Mango Flavor in it is immediately declared ineligible for consideration, with EXTREME PREJUDICE!!!!!!!!
“Oh, so you’re a hard seltzer SNOB then?!?! I didn’t know that was a thing.”
Moving on…
#5: Karbach Brewing Co. Ranch Water Hard Seltzer – “Ranch Water” is actually a Texas cocktail made from sparkling water, tequila and lime, and it is delicious. Obviously, I’d take the original over this homage ten out of ten times (as long as you don’t make me set foot in the State of Texas to do so), but they did a pretty damn good job of approximating the original in a more daydrinker-friendly version.
#4: White Claw Hard Seltzer – The one to ultimately credit/blame for this current craze. Remember, only Variety Packs #1 and #2 are acceptable. Variety Pack #3 carries The Flavor That Shall Not Speak Its Name.
#3: Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer – Because you honestly give a shit that your can of bubbly booze water is USDA Certified Organic. Pfft. This is the “dirty hippie” of the seltzer world in that it is natural, light, somewhat refreshing, yet ultimately boring as shit and completely ignorable. Why did it make my top five if I hate it so much, you ask? So I could make that crack about hippies, of course.
#2: Bud Light Hard Soda – I shit you not…I would drink this stuff FOR PLEASURE…NOT RESEARCH, any damn time. Why? Because these actually taste like what they are approximating…just with booze in there. And Hard Orange Soda…the Beyoncé of this Destiny’s Child? May well be the pinnacle achievement of our civilization. I shit you not…again.
#1: Zima – Back in the old-timey days, the Coors Brewing Company came out with their answer to the growing wine cooler market, calling it Zima. It tasted like flat Sprite that someone spilled half a light beer in, but we soon discovered it to be useful as a mixer in some basic cocktails. Beyond that, it was unremarkable and Coors soon ceased production, but don’t get it flipped…this was the first hard seltzer…not White Claw. The OG. Put some respect on their name!
HONORABLE MENTION
I want to take a moment to single out the WORST hard seltzer IN THE WORLD; a title that indisputably belongs to Mtn Dew Malt Beverage.
This is the hard seltzer specifically and exclusively for the people who actually liked all of those vile specialty Mountain Dew soda flavors from back in the day: Code Red, Purple Thunder, Baja Blast, Nut Punch, Maui Burst, Sweaty Rodeo, Sweet Lightning, Existential Dread, Legend, etc.
Sure, I made a couple of those up, but does it really matter? Can you really tell? Should you really like any of those sodas or these seltzers?
No…the answer is no.
3 responses to “A SOMMELIER TASTES EVERY* HARD SELTZER EVER MADE”
Bud Light Hard Orange Soda is on the shopping list and I don’t know what to say about that. I never thought I’d drink anything with the words “Bud Light” on it. Ever. But I trust you and your discerning yet non-snooty palette, so I’ll give it a go. Also, I love orange soda.
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Itís hard to find well-informed people on this subject, but you seem like you know what youíre talking about! Thanks