Preamble: Some of these recommendations will be familiar but most will not (hopefully). You no doubt will also have ones of your own to offer.  That’s great!  Get your own fucking blog and bloggity blog your little heart away about them.

There.  Let’s begin.

planning is like owning a time machine…

One: Of course, you should make a reservation whenever possible.  Duh.  Just know that having a reservation for a table at a restaurant is like having a reservation for a car at Hertz. That reservation only guarantees that you have increased your chances of getting what you want, not that you will get it. Not as you specifically envisioned, anyway.  Sometimes you reserve a window table with an ocean view and you get a Chevy Volt that smells like grandpa pants. That is just life in the big city, kitten.

Two: Before committing to a location, take two seconds and check if they have any specific rules you may or may not be willing/able to comply with.  Dress codes? Size of party? Tipping policy? Corkage policy? Compatibility with your dietary restrictions (I’m looking at you, vegans and people who get a little farty from gluten)? These are just a few things you want to know about ahead of time.

you aren’t Ray Liotta in “Goodfellas”…

Three: If you arrive at the restaurant and they ask you to wait a while before being seated, don’t be twatty about it.  They don’t want to make you wait.  It isn’t a weird flex or some shit. Believe me…they want you to sit and eat and leave ASAP so they can seat that table again and make someone else all grumpy about not getting their own little way.  Grab a drink and wait.  Drinks taste good.

no really…this is a thing…

Four: At some point, someone will ask you if you would like some water.  Do NOT just say “yes”.  When you say “yes”, then there are going to be follow-up questions; questions like, “Would you like still, sparkling, or tap?”  “What kind of bottled water would you prefer, as we have seven varieties of Italian fucking fizzy water?”  “Tap water, you say?  Would you like me just to bring out the hose, you fucking hobo?”  Avoid all of this and respond to their initial query with something like “I’d like bottled still water please…whichever kind you have.”  You will have accomplished not only personal hydration but also the minimization of banal interpersonal contact with a busboy who almost certainly hates his job and you.

y’all got tater tots?

Five: When someone who works at the restaurant comes to your table, shut the fuck up for two seconds and listen to whatever it is they have to say.  They are there to do things like explain the menu, let you know if anything is out of stock, tell you if things are hot to the touch, let you know that your shawl has caught fire, see if your drunk ass wants another Molson Ice…practical shit.  Once they are done speaking they will leave and you can resume whatever non-mission-critical blah blah blah you were engaged in before they interrupted you.  Everybody wins!

unless you want them to guess your budget by the suit you are wearing…

Six: When it comes to wine, save some time and let your server know how much you are looking to spend.  It is a little crass for them to bring up money to you, but actually incredibly helpful and totally polite for you to bring it up to them.  And if you can throw in a couple of other broad parameters that may lead them to what it is you are looking for, all the better.  “I am looking for a bottle of still white wine that isn’t overly sweet, and in the $100 to $125 price range” is a fucking PERFECT bottle order. 

you mean I can fuck up LEAVING?!?!?

Seven: If everything goes well, you will probably stay at your table longer than the restaurant wants you to.  Some places spell out on their menus that you only have 90 minutes or 120 minutes to eat and get the fuck out.  Stated or not, should you find yourself in violation of policy and a manager stops by to roust you from your table, don’t take it personally.  Instead, recognize that the seats you are in have a value attached to them, and achieving a profit margin for each seat is what allows the restaurant to NOT charge you way more for the meal you just had.  So take the broader view and call it a win for Team You.  More importantly, don’t let this ruin or even end your evening.  Instead, move to the restaurant bar or the bar next door or the bar up the street or the bar at home.  Drinks after dinner are amazing.  You may even get laid.  But grumpy and sober?  No ass for anyone.

conclūdere

Friends, I could go on and on, but there are about two point four billion social media assholes out there to fill in the more obvious points if you are interested.  This was more like a graduate-level course in restaurant navigation.  

You passed.  Now you can have a great time out on the town…

…just like Vaguely Asian Hipster Lauren Boebert, my future ex-wife in the sweater, and White Larry there.