My classical music education began when I was a third-grader and I signed up to play violin in the prestigious Nelson Dewey Elementary School Orchestra. When I was old enough (specifically, a FOURTH-grader), I joined the drum section of the highly elite Nelson Dewey Elementary School Band. The year after that, I picked up a trumpet and would not leave the brass section until my second year at university (when I became a singer and quit school forever).
But picking up that violin all those years ago is not how I mark the beginning of my life as a musician. That event occurred in 1985 or so when I replaced a man named Scott as the drummer in my cult church’s gospel country-rock band, One Accord.
Why do I consider this the beginning of my music career?
Because before that I had only played in school bands/choirs or church orchestras/choirs, and people don’t get to outwardly judge kids who are essentially just learning how to play their instruments, nor are we supposed to shit on musicians who are ostensibly making music for the purposes of worshipping their god and admonishing others to do the same.
But once you put yourself out there…once you leave the large ensembles and join a small group of players…you set yourself apart. You then take on the responsibility of being better at what you do than the people watching you do it, as well as the burden of judgment when you fail to meet that standard.
Personally, I made that choice eagerly (or had it made for me by my genes, or both).
Then when I was seventeen years old, I left the cult…having decided that I liked drinking beer and chasing girls more than I liked Jesus. It would be about five years before I’d be in a band again.
That opportunity would come when my friend Greg brought me into a project he was kicking around that would end up being called Puddle Wonderful…a cool grunge-era band with no real “style” beyond whatever the shit we felt like doing.
But the blog entry I am sitting here writing is not about the specifics of the music projects I’ve been involved in over the years. That tale is in no way unique for a musician, and therefore not particularly interesting, so I won’t bore you with the specifics of it. Suffice it to say that there would be many other projects in the years to come…some formal, some informal…some longstanding, others fleeting. Most were artistically satisfying…others were Billy Joel cover bands.
The point is that in 35 years of being in bands…of giving all I had to them…of sometimes taking all that I could FROM them…of going through so many shitty things…of experiencing so many other unbelievably awesome things…things that no non-musician could ever hope to even get a WHIFF of in their whole life…the one constant that runs through every single thing that I have ever done in music is that I have always given my creative best to my work and always received a great big pile of jack fuckin’ NOTHING in return.
And so, as a fifty-year-old man who likes to think he leads a self-examined life, I am finally ready to ask myself the hard question, and it is this:
Do I actually suck at music?
Have I always?
Were people just being polite to me all of these years? Have my friends and family showered me with praise out of a sense of obligation or familial propriety? Have strangers done so only because it required little more effort than total apathy would have?
More horrifyingly, am I one of those sad fuckers from the audition phase of American Idol who can’t believe that they don’t sound as good outside of their head as they do within it?
AM I MOTHERFUCKING WILLIAM HUNG?
I am not William Hung…of course. People know who William Hung IS. He bangs.
But seriously, there has to be some less extreme existential space in which I will one day be able to contextualize, judge, and place my life in music…I just don’t know what that looks like right now. I have NO clue, but I’m working my way through it. I feel obligated to do so if I am to accept what has happened, and what never did.
Don’t get me wrong…I have no regrets, and I don’t feel sorry for myself. But when it comes to music, I just don’t know what I am doing anymore or why I am doing it (or if I ever knew).
What I DO know is that I have a bit of music left to give the world before I hang ‘em up…just a bit. I am not at the finish line yet, but I can see it from where I am standing.
Until then, I am available for children’s parties, cosplay conventions, vegan restaurant openings, rugby season awards ceremonies, Cameo shoutouts, and gender-reveal Tik Tok disasters.
That’ll be twelve bucks.
My Venmo is….
*Author’s note: Artists who say they make art solely for the love of the craft, yet share that art with other people in any way whatsoever, can take this opportunity to microwave themselves a steamy hot bowl of dicks, and shut the fuck up about me making music just for me. Thanks!!!
4 responses to “Every Day Is The First Round Of American Idol Auditions”
I believe I played the Cello in that prestigious Nelson Dewey elementary school orchestra! I at least carried a cello to and from school, 5 blocks uphill both ways, once a week. Memories of actually “playing” the instrument elude me.
That was the beginning and end of my career.
HA! I feel like the carrying of the instrument was pretty much the whole gig back then. EAST END REPRESENT!!!!!!!
You definitely do not suck! But I know the feeling and have asked myself it before. Many people don’t listen to music. New music. They just want Thin Lizzy for some reason. And Billy Joel cover bands.
HA! Yep, the Billy Joel cover band was by far the most popular of any of the music projects I’ve been involved in! Sigh….