As I prepare to leave Nashville and return to Los Angeles and my fellow garbage people, I wanted to write down some fair and honest impressions of the city I have lived in this past year, without editorializing.

Okay, with SOME editorializing.

Okay, yeah…its just a super judgy rant from start to finish.  Buckle up.

“WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” – the Woo Girls.

WEATHER: F-

Did you know that in 2021, Nashville got more total rainfall than Seattle, Washington?  Yeah, it did…by about a FOOT.  You can look it up.  Oh, and when it ISN’T raining, it is either cold and icy, or a BILLION degrees with INFINITY percent humidity.  OR a tornado is rolling up.  Or a flash flood is heading our way.  Or those sparrow-sized flying bugs that are everywhere around here are coming to abduct us.  Or all of those things happening within an hour.  

“WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” – the Woo Girls.

TRAFFIC: F+

Strangely, the freeways here stay pretty clear; it’s the surface streets that are THE WORST.  Often it would take me longer to get ONTO the freeway than it would take me to get the rest of the way home.  

But thats not the reason for the really low grade.  That would be because NASHVILLE DRIVERS ARE THE WORST DRIVERS ON THE PLANET.  I know everyone thinks that the drivers in THEIR town are the worst.  Nope.  Not even close.  Left turns from the far right lane of a four lane road?  Yep…all the time.  Pedestrians at constant risk of death from inattentive drivers?  Yep.  No driver’s education in high school, resulting in a system where no one knows even the most BASIC rules of the road?  Uh-huh.  

The entire traffic grid in this town is a bumper car ride that you didn’t know you were on.

“WOO?…Yeah, WOOOOOOOOOO” – the Woo Girls.

ROADS: F-

Potholes two inches deep and a foot or more in length and/or diameter?  EVERYWHERE?  Yep.  But hey…can’t get a medical abortion in this banjo state anymore?  Get a “Tennessee Abortion”, which is just driving on highway 40 for ten miles or so.  Its like falling down three flights of stairs!  Yay, rights!!!!!

“That one hit a little close to home.  But also, woo.” – the Woo Girls.

MOTORCYCLE LIFE: C

Tennessee isn’t openly hostile to bikers like Minnesota is, but they aren’t totally with us like they are in California, either.  Also, middle Tennessee gets a LEGIT winter…not “a few cold days” as a friend put it to me before I moved here.  I rode all winter because thats what I do…I ride, but I’d be lying if I said it was enjoyable.

PEOPLE: C-

You know how they say that people are nicer in The South?  NOT true…they are just more polite.  Polite and nice are not the same thing.  Think about it.

Then there are the Woo Girls.  Nashville is the bachelorette party capital of the world (fact), AND has an armada of open-air party busses that stalk the streets of downtown Nashville all day and night.  And aboard each of them is a collection of super drunk females rapping along to 00’s hip hop and screaming “WOO” at the top of their lungs every five seconds for some unknown reason.  Its a real thing…I swear.

“What do WOO mean?!?!?  Hey Ashley, I made a pun on this guy’s blog!!!!  WOOOOOOOO!!!” – the Woo Girls

OVERALL GRADE: F+

Honestly, there is absolutely nothing to accomplish in this twangy piss puddle that can’t be accomplished somewhere that DOESN’T suck so thoroughly.  

On the other hand, I haven’t been living under the constant danger of physical violence like I was in Minneapolis, so for that (and that alone) I put a little plus on that F for ya, Nashville!  

Thanks for not murdering me!  

WOO!